friday morning

What are you waiting for? What do you want? I am screaming this to myself, in my head, but not like I'm crazy or anything.
The room is otherwise silent. The sky is the grey of winter, even though just half an ago I could see blue.
My head is throbbing, the result of lack of sleep and sleeping curled up and contorted like a Mayan corpse due to the stress. I don't think even green tea can stop the throb. Maybe tea + ibuprofen + a nap. A nap, such a thing to consider at 9:30am.
I want to cry. To let it all out. Leave the pages soaked and runny. But the tears will not come. Maybe I'm just too tired.
Today is Friday. I really need to put in a 10 hour work day today. That sounds like so much time at a job that is killing me, even though it is my fault that I've stayed. But its future holds so much more than its present, even more than its past, so I hold out hope.
Why didn't she ask me? Why can't she say thank you? Why doesn't she want me? Why doesn't she love me? My jobs and my family and my marriage and my life are all becoming on big swirling vortex - mostly of questions and pain. The answer to all of those questions is: it's about them, not about me. I don't have to be this damaged, behave this way.
The truth is, my truth is, that no one can or will ever love me enough to replace what I've missed. So I need to stop. Stop flogging myself. Stop offering myself to anyone who offers me love or affection or praise. I need to love myself. But it's so hard to pull youself up, alone, knowing there's no one there to catch you if you fall.