friday morning

What are you waiting for? What do you want? I am screaming this to myself, in my head, but not like I'm crazy or anything.
The room is otherwise silent. The sky is the grey of winter, even though just half an ago I could see blue.
My head is throbbing, the result of lack of sleep and sleeping curled up and contorted like a Mayan corpse due to the stress. I don't think even green tea can stop the throb. Maybe tea + ibuprofen + a nap. A nap, such a thing to consider at 9:30am.
I want to cry. To let it all out. Leave the pages soaked and runny. But the tears will not come. Maybe I'm just too tired.
Today is Friday. I really need to put in a 10 hour work day today. That sounds like so much time at a job that is killing me, even though it is my fault that I've stayed. But its future holds so much more than its present, even more than its past, so I hold out hope.
Why didn't she ask me? Why can't she say thank you? Why doesn't she want me? Why doesn't she love me? My jobs and my family and my marriage and my life are all becoming on big swirling vortex - mostly of questions and pain. The answer to all of those questions is: it's about them, not about me. I don't have to be this damaged, behave this way.
The truth is, my truth is, that no one can or will ever love me enough to replace what I've missed. So I need to stop. Stop flogging myself. Stop offering myself to anyone who offers me love or affection or praise. I need to love myself. But it's so hard to pull youself up, alone, knowing there's no one there to catch you if you fall.

transferring

Note: I've posted this here as a record of my transference, which I hope to do with all (few) of my previous blog entries once blog.com comes back up AGAIN.
So this just feels like another lame-ass excuse of my ADD brain saying "I see new, sparkly things, just over THERE", but the reality is, even though only one person reads this now, I'd like to start publishing my writing and sending people someplace to see my everyday though-process-soul-junk-or-is-it-art? So I will be migrating all of this over from blog.com to blogspot. You can find me at phoebeguider.blogspot.com. When I sell some stories, I'll act like a grownup and purchase my own domain.

More on 2015...

In my writing group this morning I felt as though everyone was writing for me. “Lifting a veil,” “stuck on repeat,” “speak your truth.” At the end I made the declaration (along with others) that I had started a blog just for my writing, which meant I was going to write. That I wanted to submit writings this year. And they asked for my blog address, so now I am committed. Earlier we had discussed New Year’s resolutions and I brought up my theory of non-commitment until after January 1st, and in turn someone pointed out that we hadn’t hit Chinese New Year yet. And that’s when I realized that for me New Year’s is a gradual process and unfolding. It begins sometime between Ethiopian new year and Rosh Hashanah and extends through the Pagan new year, the solar new year, and all the way to the lunar new year which, this year, is on February 19th. Each one of those holidays is marked with introspection and contemplation. Thoughts of growth and becomings (but no actual growing or becoming), until finally sometime between January 1st and Chinese New Year I can find the words. And the words almost always are “live your truth.” My truth is hard. It’s complicated, just like everyone else’s. All I can do is try and take a step forward every day. And, as my wife (and Eleanor Roosevelt) would say “do one thing every day that scares you.” Let’s see if I can get myself up to one scary thing per month…

New Year's 2015

I try not to make new year’s resolutions that actually start on January 1st. It’s too much pressure. If I start a week late I’m much less likely to feel overwhelmed. Perhaps that all says something about me. This year I didn’t even start considering resolutions until well after the 1st (since it’s soooo far into January already), as it seems to have slipped by like every other Wednesday. Or was it a Thursday? Ah, well, this year I’d like to do better at keeping in touch with people. I’d like to get my life together. I want to decide, once and for all, if we are having kids and when. I want to start and finish a quilt for a friend. Purge and then keep everything clean. Meditate, yoga-fy my life, unplug, and all that stuff. Oh, and write…

Which brings me to this. This new, clean space… Which thanks to the power of the internet can be new and clean again whenever I want. I hope to maintain some sort of writing practice, as well as, gasp, get published. Ah, well, here’s to new year’s resolutions!